Think About Death Before You Need To

October 28, 2016 by

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My twenty-nine year old son is going to turn me into a tree when I die, I’m pretty sure.  I think he/they should do whatever they want, and whatever they need.

I am reading a novel called Beautiful Day by Elin Hilderbrand, in which a woman, dead for seven years, left a notebook written for her young daughter’s future wedding.  “The Notebook” came complete with excruciatingly detailed directives.  Maybe the sentiment is nice, but to me it screams control freak.

Death is one of those scary things that we can’t even pretend to control.  We are forced into submitting, and for the most part none of us like it.

I think our culture does a lousy job preparing us for death, which doesn’t make much sense.  It’s one of the classes they should add to our high school curriculum, along with Lasting Relationships, Parenting with Boundaries/Love (same thing, my dad says), How to Forgive, How to Train Your Pets, and Housekeeping/Laundry Basics.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote the definitive primer about dying in 1969, called On Death and Dying.  It’s worth the read.  I owned it for years before I could talk myself into looking at it.  Yukky subject.  Or so says my conditioning.

Dr. Kubler-Ross was a Swiss-American psychiatrist (1926-2004) who interviewed and studied people while they were dying.  Of course there are many things to learn from her work, the most widely known being her theory of the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance).

My takeaway from the book was how much better it will be to mentally prepare myself for death, starting now, before it is a known, immmediate issue for me.

Dr. Kubler-Ross says that we should all seriously consider what we believe happens after death.  She says to spend time with the thought, and then let it go for awhile.  Then, the next time you encounter it, for instance when a neighbor dies, think about it again.  Then let it go again.

She says that by the time you do this a few times, you will come to a belief.  Elisabeth Kubler-Ross says that this belief will result in a comfort level for you about your own death.  She says that then, when you hear that your own death may be imminent, it will feel okay.  It will freak you out a lot less.

Here are a few of her quotes:

“Dying is nothing to fear.  It can be the most wonderful experience of your life.  It all depends on how you have lived.”

“Those who learned to know death, rather than to fear and fight it, became our teachers about life.”

“For those who seek to understand it, death is a highly creative force.  The highest spiritual values of life can originate from the thought and study of death.”

“I’ve told my children that when I die, to release balloons in the sky to celebrate that I graduated.  For me, death is a graduation.”

Here’s my favorite song about life, I Believe in You, by Don Williams.  I think the two subjects are beautifully complementary.

Here’s a link to the tree.  He’s texted it to me not once, but twice, many months apart.  I guess I have a bit of a natural edge to me, so I’m thinking he’s thinking it’s a good fit.  Cracks me up.

You might want to follow the foundation of Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross on Twitter @kublerross

Filed Under: Death Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Breathe For A Little Stress Relief

August 30, 2016 by

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Wow.  Who knew?  I can calm my own self down, for goodness sake, super easily; anywhere, any place, at any time.

I’ve apparently been living under a rock.   I haven’t fully figured out until now that I can take command of my own mind and body, at least in regard to lessening the tension in myself, particularly in my neck and shoulders.  It’s as remarkably easy as breathing.

It was beautiful from the first yoga class.

Follow me:

Blow all of your breath out

Close your mouth, and fill up with air through your nose to a slow count of six

At the top, draw one more breath and hold for a second or two

Slowly blow out your breath through the back of your throat, mouth closed, to the count of six.  Blow it down the back of your throat so that it has a bit of an ocean wave sound affect.

Fill up with air again to the count of six, and repeat it all

That’s it.  It’s called your ujjayi [ooh-jah-ee] breath.

They just taught the thirty-six volleyball referees from five continents, who worked  at the Rio Olympics, a five-step process, in preparation for the games.  It included things such as yoga, meditation, role-playing, breathing and visualization techniques.  The point was to have the referees keep themselves calm during such high pressure conditions.  Says Dan Apol, 44, of Denver, one of the few full-time volleyball referees, “A lot of people are watching, and when things go wrong, it gets noticed.  I know for a fact there’s one camera from NBC that’s pointed at us at all times.”

According to the Wall Street Journal article published on August 17, 2016, volleyball officials said they are happy with how things have played out at the Olympics, stating that “The referees are showing a lot of tranquility.”

When I do a few rounds of breathing, during my breath out, my exhale, I can literally feel tension dissolve kind of down the back of my neck, then where my neck meets my shoulders, and then across the tops of both of my shoulders at the same time.  It almost has a similar effect at that moment as having the area massaged.

I recommend trying it.

And of course, when there is time for indulgence, it is glorious to do some meditative breathing, in a comfortable seated position, with a candle burning in your space, and the following album playing in the background, Spiritual Cleansing, by Asian Zen Spa Music Meditation on Spotify, or the song Purification Mantra of Five Elements by Drukmo Gyal on SoundCloud.

You take charge of so many things in your day, perhaps take charge of at least some of the dissipation of your own stress.

I think you’ll like it.  I do for sure.

 

Photo and quote pictured, from Karen Salmansohn, notsalmon.com

Filed Under: Posipsych, Stress Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Listening To These Voices In My Head

July 26, 2016 by

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I read the advice years ago – it would be good to pay attention to the voices in my head.

This is what I read, taken directly from Eckhart Tolle’s book The Power of Now (1999):  “When someone goes to the doctor and says, ‘I hear a voice in my head’,  he or she will most likely be sent to a psychiatrist.  The fact is that, in a very similar way, virtually everyone hears a voice, or several voices, in their head all the time:  the involuntary thought processes that you don’t realize you have the power to stop.  Continuous monologues or dialogues.”

“You have probably come across ‘mad’ people in the street incessantly talking or muttering to themselves.  Well, that’s not much different from what you and all other ‘normal’ people do, except that you don’t do it out loud.  The voice comments, speculates, judges, compares, complains, likes, dislikes, and so on.  The voice isn’t necessarily relevant to the situation you find yourself in at the time; it may be reviving the recent or distant past or rehearsing or imagining possible future situations.  Here it often imagines things going wrong and negative outcomes; this is called worry.”

“Sometimes this soundtrack is accompanied by visual images or ‘mental movies’.  Even if the voice is relevant to the situation at hand, it will interpret it in terms of the past.  This is because the voice belongs to your conditioned mind, which is the result of all your past history as well as of the collective cultural mind-set you inherited.   So you see and judge the present through the eyes of the past, and get a totally distorted view of it.  It is not uncommon for the voice to be a person’s own worst enemy.  Many people live with a tormentor in their head that continuously attacks and punishes them and drains them of vital energy.  It is the cause of untold misery and unhappiness, as well as of disease.”

“The good news is that you can free yourself from your mind.  This is the only true liberation.  You can take the first step right now.  Start listening to the voice in your head as often as you can.  Pay particular attention to any repetitive thought patterns, those old gramophone records that have been playing in your head perhaps for many years.  This is what I mean by ‘watching the thinker’, which is another way of saying:  listen to the voice in your head, be there as the witnessing presence.”

(My commentary again)   I have barely revisited this concept since my initial effort fifteen years ago.  Back then, I figured out that when I am really upset, I say to myself (softly and gently, which is a good thing) “It’s okay.”  Now, when I hear me tell myself “It’s okay”, I know that I am having a significant negative reaction to a situation; that I am more than mildly disturbed about it.

Flash forward to a girlfriend in the support group that I have a long history of hanging with.  She seems to have me on her radar.  She has watched me during the twenty-five years that we have been meeting, and has picked up on how darned hard on myself I am, in my head.  I am critical of me a lot, probably constantly; I am self-doubting, always thinking of what I could have done to handle a situation better, or to have made things come out “right” instead of “wrong”.  She said to me, “You do all of these things, and then you think that you haven’t done enough, and that you aren’t good enough.  I don’t get it.”  She shook her head in some combination of disbelief and wonder.

I am saying these things because I’m clearly not the only one afflicted.  Have you ever paid attention to what you are saying to yourself, to the thoughts playing on your gramophone?  I am spurred on by a recent Twitter post by @tinybuddha which reads, “You will never speak to anyone else more than you speak to yourself in your head.  Be kind to yourself.”

You might enjoy listening to Be Kind To Yourself by Andrew Peterson; either via the video on YouTube, or the song on Spotify.

I am going to, once again, pay attention to these voices in my head, and hear what they are saying; what I am saying to me. I will try to be as kind to me as I am to others.  Will you?

 

A History of the Gramophone

Photo credit, Google images.

 

 

Filed Under: Happiness, Kindness, Power Songs Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

I’m Sexy and I Know It

July 12, 2016 by

As Igor from The Red Elvises, “Your favorite band!”  might say (use a loud voice and a Russian accent), “Your favorite music source!”  Spotify, Spotify, Spotify.  I can’t say it enough.  Spotify, Spotify …download the app  right here, right now,  the free version. Full disclosure – I have no ties to Spotify except that I pay their monthly fee.  I enjoy it daily.  I bet you’ll love it like I do.

Now,  how’s this for a confidence boost? …

I’m Sexy and I Know It

It’s so nice being a midlife woman. There is a calm to it.  It’s easy to identify with the trite statement, “It just is.”

I am finding that every now and then a little irony threads through my life, and I can see it here again.

This irony from awhile ago:  I always chuckled that for some of us mothers, as we perhaps voluntarily sacrificed an income to be more hands-on in raising our children, we had time. Time. In a mother sort of way, which means two minutes here and five minutes there.  But we always had the possibility of a little bit of time, with the freedom to gather the little ones and go do something fun – sometimes just anything to get out of the house – that carrot dangling in front of us.

And then while we were busy sacrificing our income, and finding ourselves with some very real mobile possibilities within our day, we, at the same point, didn’t have the extra money for shopping. We had time, but no money. Sigh.

And now I find myself having confidence in my body.

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I’m finally coming to at least some peace with the fact that we women are judged on our looks.  I can also finally see that I shouldn’t be so critical of myself.  Where did all of my constant self criticism come from?

I find that we women are judged by our looks absolutely constantly, either obviously or subliminally, in our culture.  I also find that men are judged by their income, either obviously or subliminally, in our culture.  I don’t think either one is healthy, and the pressure is on just the same:  24 hours a day, 365 days a year.  I think that we each just get to come to terms with this reality at some point in our lives.  This point seems to be, for me, around now, fifty something.

But wouldn’t it have been better timing to have been confident when there was a little more to be confident about, when it was a twenty something body, or even a forty something body?

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It’s the irony again.  I wonder what the next irony will be.

 

Filed Under: Happiness, Power Songs Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sweeten Life By Opening to Pleasure

May 21, 2016 by

image  This nectar ~ the most sensuous and satisfying drink I’ve ever had.  At my first chilled taste, I realized why “nectar” is such a revered concept.

 

Here is more input about the chakras, specifically the Second Chakra, which involves our emotions and sexuality, from The Chakra Balancing Workbook by Anodea Judith.  The reference to “finding one’s own place” within this realm of sexuality and emotions, sounds logical, healthy, and freeing.

“The Sanskrit name for this chakra is Svadhisthana, which translates as ‘one’s own place.’  This refers to the personal nature of the second chakra aspects of our emotions and sexuality.  It is important that we stand in  ‘our own place’ within this chakra and define our sexual and emotional issues in a way that is suitable to our individual characters.  If our roots are deep and well-watered, then our fruit will be sweet. – the Sanskrit verb svadha means ‘to sweeten.’  From the center of one’s own place, we sweeten life by opening to pleasure.”

“Pleasure promotes well-being and is a natural healing force.  It teaches us how to open up, how to move, how to reach beyond ourselves.  Pleasure comes to us through any of our senses:  seeing a sunset, tasting a meal, listening to music, savoring a lover’s touch.”

 

image.jpeg The sun setting over the Pacific Ocean in Mission Beach, California, has such a draw that most of us sit still, or stand still, and watch for several minutes as it appears to hit the water and then gradually disappear.  It feels like a communal spiritual experience.

 

“Through the senses we first get ‘in touch.’  To be in touch is to know what we feel, to be awake and aware.  To be in touch is to be connected.”

“The pull of the erotic in this chakra represents the universal urge to connect with others.  Through desire, emotion, pleasure, and sensation, we enter the complex realm of sexuality – a place where we dissolve our boundaries and enter into intimacy with another.”

“While some traditions teach that pleasure is a dangerous distraction on the road to enlightenment, healthy pleasures – such as touch, play, laughter, sexuality, and experiencing beauty – lead to contentment and peace, rather than an insatiable desire for more.”

 

As Smokey Robinson and The Miracles sang in 1967, I second that emotion.

…Oh, but if you feel like lovin’ me, if you got the notion, I second that emotion.  So, if you feel like giving me a lifetime of devotion, I second that emotion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: The Chakras Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Holding My Temper

May 9, 2016 by

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I have read two great things recently about handling my normal human being anger.  They synchronize.

The first was this lengthy, powerful article written by a prominent American, Tibetan Buddhist Nun.  She is a woman named Pema Chodron, who was born in 1936 here in America.  She published an article in 2005, which I recently read on LionsRoar.com, The Answer to Anger and Aggression is Patience.

It’s a long article, but so interesting to me.  She is referring, with the words “anger” and “aggression”, to our normal human response of frustration and all of the emotions that get stirred up when we are upset about a situation.  She says basically, we all hear and have all of this advice, but what do you really do when feeling the anger and aggression?

I quote:  “It’s said that patience is a way to de-escalate aggression. I’m thinking here of aggression as synonymous with pain. When we’re feeling aggressive—and in some sense this would apply to any strong feeling—there’s an enormous pregnant quality that pulls us in the direction of wanting to get some resolution. It hurts so much to feel the aggression that we want it to be resolved.”

“At that point, patience means getting smart:  you stop and wait. You also have to shut up, because if you say anything it’s going to come out aggressive, even if you say, ‘I love you’.”

“So what do we usually do?  We do exactly what is going to escalate the aggression and the suffering. We strike out; we hit back. Something hurts our feelings, and initially there is some softness there—if you’re fast, you can catch it—but usually you don’t even realize there is any softness. You find yourself in the middle of a hot, noisy, pulsating, wanting-to-just-get-even-with-someone state of mind:  it has a very hard quality to it. With your words or your actions, in order to escape the pain of aggression, you create more aggression and pain.”

 

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“Patience has a lot to do with getting smart at that point and just waiting:  not speaking or doing anything. On the other hand, it also means being completely and totally honest with yourself about the fact that you’re furious. You’re not suppressing anything—patience has nothing to do with suppression. In fact, it has everything to do with a gentle, honest relationship with yourself.  … When you practice patience, you’re not repressing anger, you’re just sitting there with it – going cold turkey with the aggression.”

Pema Chodron goes on to say more in the article that I found worth reading, but in the event that the several times that I have read and reread this article fail to make a mark on my behavior, listen to this slang term used in England that I’ve just heard.  It perhaps lands a bit of a lower blow about the times I act on my frustration.  It’s the second best thing, yet maybe the most motivating thing, that I have come across.   If I annoyingly or painfully act out my anger on someone, I may be referred to as having “spit out my dummy”.

“Spit out my dummy.”  I don’t have anything else to add to that.

 

Photo credit:  photopin.com

 

 

Filed Under: American Buddhism Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

We Are Neurologically Transformed by Whatever We PRACTICE

May 1, 2016 by

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PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.  UGH?..

Practice, practice, practice.  It takes ten thousand hours to become an expert at something according to Malcolm Gladwell, who wrote about it in his book, Outliers.  It never occurred to me until now that this includes practicing what I am thinking, and practicing everything I do every day, which reflects my beliefs and who I want to be here in my trip on earth.

I need to stop just going along on a daily basis without thinking.  I’m practicing without realizing it.  I’m practicing what?, COMPLAINING about calories, grocery shopping, airline ticket prices, exercise, that I’m missing my very best friend?,  or FOCUSING ON WHAT I DON’T HAVE, that I don’t have my own beautiful car, just a beautiful one I share with my husband…who is busy complaining about me making it smell like a gym because I drive in it after working out?

I’m probably most busy practicing trying to change those around me to suit what I want and need, “Do you have to use that tone of voice with me?”,  as I’m on guard to see the negative in our conversation yet again.

I guess I’m practicing all of these things, and I’m going to get to the point, if I haven’t already, of being perfect at them.  It’s a startling realization, brought on by the following passage I just read:

“Transformation is not just an abstract or idealistic promise; it is an actual physical possibility. For years scientists erroneously believed that the development of the brain and nervous system was complete at the age twenty or twenty-five. Recently modern neuroscience has discovered “neuroplasticity,” confirming what was known by Buddhist psychology for millennia: even adults can change. The adult brain and nervous system grow and change throughout our lives. Until the very end, we are neurologically transformed by whatever we practice. We are not limited by the past.”   from The Wise Heart, written by Jack Kornfield

We are neurologically transformed BY WHATEVER WE PRACTICE.  Note to self:  Notice these things.  Notice what I’m thinking.  Notice what I’m doing.

Filed Under: American Buddhism Tagged With: , , ,