Forty years together, forty-four years together, sixty-two years together. It’s what I’ve been hearing this week, including from my own mouth. Mine is the first one.
I had a conversation with a gentleman that I’ve slightly known for the past ten years. When we see each other, we ask about our families and such. We were discussing the younger generations’ typical way of getting to know each other, which is to live together without a commitment, and fairly quickly, it seemed to us. It’s very different from our experience.
This fellow says that he and his wife got together in their early twenties, got married, and more or less grew up together. He said it has been their adventure. My husband concurs. I concur.
Then David mildly but boldly stated that he thinks now he annoys his wife.
I replied that I think we all annoy each other. And I mean it.
I remember a conversation I had with someone many years ago, who had gotten out of a seven year marriage and was now happily ensconced in the first few years of her second marriage. This husband was quite a good fit for her. She mentioned that she would get so annoyed with her first husband, and that she swore she would never repeat it. Now here she found herself settling into her newer relationship, and the feelings of annoyance were returning.
I’m convinced it comes with the territory. It’s the kind of stuff that you regret once you lose your spouse. It’s the kind of annoyance that you would give anything to have again, if you could only spend a little more time with him or her going forward. But even knowing this, I can’t help but feel angryish at times. Stress makes those times come more often. Working together, we get the Doublemint experience; double the pleasure and double the fun.
I used to tell my kids – you know how aggravating your college roommate can be? Well, having a relationship is like that, only even more demanding because aside from the whole roommate dynamic, you have to figure out the entire relationship part at the same time. As if one or the other isn’t tricky enough.
The reality is that we are two different people who want two different things most of the time. And then we each think differently, too.
Figuring out relationships can really devil a person. Why, oh why, did Disney set us all up for some unrealistic happily-ever-after fantasy? They forgot to show us the “ever-after” part.
My girlfriend used to talk about her husband scrunching up the bathroom rug because he didn’t think they needed it and he felt that it was in the way. She would try to say to herself, as she would shake it back out and put it back in place, “Oh Don, I love you.” Valiant effort. Yay girlfriend.
Marriages and relationships are fantastic, especially long term ones (big fan), but why don’t we acknowledge them for what they are, warts and all, so that we can enjoy the good parts, and have reasonable expectations about the not so good parts?
We’re not unique, we’re normal.
And it’s not personal, it’s just true.
This short article from Time Magazine makes a good point on the subject.
Somebody Else's Wisdom 